Before You Give Away Your Heart

A Catholic Reflection on Dating, Courtship, and Engagement

There is a season for every good thing, and wisdom consists not only in choosing what is good, but in choosing it at the proper time and in the proper manner.

The heart is among the most precious gifts God has entrusted to us. We should therefore be careful about giving it away too quickly.

A young person may naturally begin to notice another, to admire beauty, goodness, strength, kindness, or charm. There is nothing strange in this. God Himself created the human heart with the capacity to love.

But every affection need not immediately become a romance.

A flower forced open before its season does not become more beautiful because it bloomed early.

So it is with the heart.

Let Youth First Be a Time of Formation

Before a young man begins searching for a wife, let him learn to become a man capable of being a faithful husband and father.

Before a young woman begins searching for a husband, let her become a woman firmly rooted in God, capable of loving without losing herself in another.

There are duties belonging to youth which should not lightly be exchanged for romantic attachments.

• Study diligently.

• Honor your father and mother.

• Perform the duties entrusted to you.

• Learn obedience before you are given authority.

• Learn self-control before you are entrusted with another person's heart.

• Learn to pray before you attempt to lead a family toward Heaven.

There is no disgrace in waiting to date. There may, in fact, be considerable wisdom in postponing serious romantic relationships until adulthood. I believe 18 should be considered a reasonable minimum for intentional dating, while for many young people waiting until 20 or 21 may provide still more time for maturity and formation.

But we must not make an idol even of a number.

A person may be twenty-one and still lack prudence; another may possess unusual maturity earlier. The more important question is whether a person has reached a stage of life in which he or she can seriously begin discerning marriage.

Courtship should begin when one is becoming capable of understanding what courtship is for.

And what is it for?

• Not amusement.

• Not popularity.

• Not satisfying curiosity.

• Not awakening passions merely to see where they lead.

Courtship exists to discern whether two people might rightly give themselves to one another in marriage.

Be Careful With Your Affections

St. Francis de Sales warned especially about what he called amourettes - light, foolish, sentimental attachments that occupy the heart without leading it toward a worthy end.

That warning seems particularly fitting today.

Our culture encourages young people to surrender emotional intimacy very quickly.

A few messages become constant texting.

Constant texting becomes emotional dependence.

Soon two young people who scarcely know one another begin speaking as though they belong entirely to each other.

Then, if the relationship ends, the heart discovers that it had given away far more than it realized. Guarding your heart does not mean making it cold. Quite the contrary.

We guard precious things precisely because they are precious.

Do not promise with your emotions what you are not prepared to promise with your life.

Do Not Let Romance Steal Your Duties

There is another danger which can appear innocent at first.

A young person falls in love and suddenly everything else becomes less important.

Studies suffer.

Family is neglected.

Prayer becomes irregular.

Responsibilities are forgotten.

Friends disappear.

Every spare moment belongs to the boyfriend or girlfriend.

This is not necessarily evidence of great love.

Sometimes it is evidence of disordered attachment.

God does not ordinarily ask us to prove one vocation by neglecting the duties He has already placed before us.

If you are a student, study well.

If you live under your parents' roof, contribute peacefully to the household.

Honor your father and mother.

Keep your promises.

Perform your work faithfully.

Attend Mass.

Pray.

A good courtship should not make you less faithful in the rest of your life.

It should help make you more faithful.

Look Beyond Beauty

Physical attraction has its place. There is nothing sinful about finding the person you are courting beautiful or handsome.

But beauty alone makes a poor foundation for fifty years of marriage.

Youth passes.

Faces change.

Bodies age.

Fortunes may disappear.

Health can change in an afternoon.

Therefore look deeper.

Ask yourself:

• How does this person speak about God?

• How does he treat his parents?

• How does she treat people who can do nothing for her?

• Does he keep his word?

• Can she admit when she is wrong?

• How does this person behave when disappointed?

• Does he control his temper?

• Does she forgive?

• Can this person sacrifice?

• Is this person truthful when telling the truth costs something?

And perhaps most importantly: Does being with this person help me love God more faithfully?

Do not seek perfection. You will never find it on this earth. Seek virtue.

Let Your Family Know the Person You Love

Do not hurry to isolate a romantic relationship from everyone who loves you.

Let the person you are courting meet your family.

Let him sit at your parents' table.

Let her know your brothers and sisters.

Spend ordinary time together.

There are things you will learn about another person over Sunday dinner that you may never discover during an elaborate date.

Listen also to the counsel of your parents.

They are not infallible, and an adult son or daughter must freely discern his or her own vocation. Nevertheless, parents often see things which affection makes difficult for young lovers to see.

If your mother expresses concern, listen.

If your father sees something troubling, ask him why.

You are not obliged to surrender your reason. But neither should you despise the counsel of those who have loved you since before you could speak.

Humility listens before it decides.

When Courtship Becomes Engagement

Engagement should deepen discernment rather than end it.

Once a ring appears, couples can become consumed with preparing for a wedding while scarcely preparing for marriage.

Flowers.

Dresses.

Photographs.

Music.

Reception halls.

Seating charts.

All these may have their place.

But the wedding lasts a day.

Marriage begins the morning afterward.

Talk about the things that will matter then.

Talk about God.

Talk about children.

Talk about money.

Talk about debt.

Talk about work.

Talk about family.

Talk about where you will live.

Talk about your expectations of husband and wife.

Talk honestly about serious matters that could affect married life.

Do not conceal important truths because you fear losing the person.

Love cannot safely be built upon concealment.

And pray together.

Attend Holy Mass.

Go to Confession.

Ask God repeatedly:

“Lord, is this Your will—or merely mine?”

Parents, Do Not Merely Tell Them “No”

Parents have responsibilities here as well.

If we want our children to understand holy courtship, we cannot wait until they are sixteen and suddenly announce a collection of prohibitions.

Formation begins much earlier.

Teach your children why their bodies are sacred.

Teach your sons that strength exists partly to protect rather than exploit.

Teach your daughters that attention from a man is not the measure of their worth.

Teach both sons and daughters to work, pray, sacrifice, forgive, apologize, keep promises, control their tempers, and fulfill their duties.

Give them something greater than a list of sins to avoid.

Give them a vision of the kind of love worth waiting for.

You Lose Nothing by Waiting

Dear young person, you need not be afraid that life will pass you by because you do not date at fourteen, sixteen, or even eighteen.

God is not so poor that He must rush His plans for you.

Use these years.

Read.

Study.

Laugh.

Build friendships.

Help your parents.

Know your grandparents.

Learn useful skills.

Work.

Serve.

Discover beautiful music.

Learn your Faith.

Receive the Sacraments.

Sit quietly before Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.

Become comfortable being alone with God.

For there is a great danger in searching desperately for another person to fill a place in your heart that belongs to Him.

A husband cannot be God for his wife.

A wife cannot be God for her husband.

And no romance, however beautiful, can satisfy completely the heart that was created for eternity.

Love With Heaven Before Your Eyes

Someday you may meet someone and begin to wonder:

Could this be the one?

Do not be frightened by the question.

But do not answer it too quickly either.

Give friendship time.

Give character time to reveal itself.

Give prayer time to quiet emotion.

Give your parents and wise counselors permission to speak.

Above all, give God permission to say either yes or no.

And if He says yes, love generously.

Love chastely.

Love patiently.

Love truthfully.

Love sacrificially.

For Christian courtship is not finally about finding someone who gives you butterflies.

It is about discerning whether God has placed before you a person whose hand you may one day take before His altar and promise:

I give myself to you.

Until then, keep your heart peaceful.

There is no need to hurry Providence.

Become holy while you wait.

And when love comes, do not ask merely: “Will this person make me happy?”

Ask something far more beautiful: “If God calls us to marriage, will we help one another become saints?”

For a courtship that begins with God, remains beneath His gaze, and seeks His will above its own desires has understood the deepest purpose of Christian love: Not merely to walk through this life together—but to help one another reach Heaven.